August 2008 archive

So I “Wait”

It’s in our nature to want to understand and control everything. I know that. But I have to keep reminding myself to have faith and to leave things in greater hands. I forget that I am not alone in this journey. I found this poem on another blog some time ago and I wanted to share it with you.

WAIT
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, “Wait.”

“Wait? you say wait?” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.

“My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

“You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.”

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting for what?”

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

“I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.

“You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

“You’d never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

“The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I’m doing in you.

“So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait.”

Today

I’m still struggling with sharing our troubles with everyone. Well, it’s not really about sharing them with you, it about burdening you with them. The truth is this blog was supposed to be an outlet for us and the truth about us is that we are again struggling to get pregnant.

I struggle to write because despite our troubles, we are blessed to have Cole and sometimes it feels selfish wanting more. But we do.

I am at the time of the month where my faith is shaken again. Today is Sunday and we always go to lunch with Will’s parents and grandmother. But I just don’t feel like going anywhere today. I want to stay home in bed and cry, and hate, and just try to muster the faith to believe that it will happen. I’d like to pray for the strength to see my pregnant friends and be happy for them without turning green. I’d like to pray, but today I’m mad and who better to be mad at than Him. Today, I am questioning Him, and His existence. Today I am lost.

Back at Work

Went back to work Tuesday and I guess I just haven’t been inspired to blog about sitting in meetings all day. So, I haven’t blogged. It’s just been a nice, peaceful week at home and though much has happened that is blog worthy, I didn’t want to miss the fun by having to sit in front of the computer to write about it as it was happening.

Cole was sad all day Tuesday looking around the house for me. Well that’s what Gloria says at least and her words are music to my ears. When she tells me stuff like that at least. He knocks on my door and calls out “Mama”. Heartbreaking!

He’s also been sick with cough and congestion and diarrhea sprinkled here and there. When I say sprinkled I mean throughout the week, not the house. He now has a very scratchy voice, it is so cute!

I probably need to get off the computer because Cole has managed to climb up behind me on the chair like a dozen times already and it is driving me crazy! I think he wants me to spend some time with him and I probably should.

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