February 2009 archive


One of Cole’s favorite people came by yesterday, it was Nana. Cole really didn’t want to go with her, which was very very strange. He loves his Nana! Nana would ask him if he wanted her to carry him but he would just run up to me and hold his hands up and say “carry you”. He has been requesting to be carried all day, even when Will wants to carry him. So my mom diagnosed him with having “mamitis”, pronounced ma-me-tees, in Spanish.

It’s a Spanish term that means he only wants to be with Mami. So this is what we joke he has. I wonder what Dr. Johnson may prescribe for him? Maybe more Nana time, like a week???

Besitos y Abrasos!!!!

I can’t sleep tonight. Our dear dear Gloria has moved across the country to be with her family. She left at 2:45 this afternoon and we miss her terribly already. The house is still tonight. The usual light in her bedroom is out and I just can’t bear to go in there. It is locked, and will remain so until I can muster the courage, or accept the fact that our days will no longer be greeted with her cheerful smile.

If you read the blog, you know who Gloria is. She’s Cole’s Yaya, his Nanny. Yaya has been with us almost 2 years. The honest truth is, I don’t know motherhood without her. I made the decision to stay home last month and we knew that we wouldn’t be able to justify the cost of a nanny. I was saddened that Yaya wouldn’t be here everyday, but I was comforted by the fact that she would be near, and only a 15 minutes drive away. She will be much much farther away, and we only hope that we get to see her again in our lifetime.

I just didn’t realize what a role she played in our home, in our lives. I am having trouble opening the door to her room and I reckon it’s because I can imagine that behind that closed door she is sleeping, or watching tv, or on the phone. I tell myself that any minute she’ll pop out and ask, “ya no me necesita?” as she leans an elbow on the back of the couch, towel over her shoulder. To which I reply, “no”, and she asks, “segura?” That was the closing dialogue every single night.

I walk past her door and I smell the BenGay still, and I get chills just knowing that the scent that is Gloria will fade, and I worry that my memory of her will too. More than anything, I worry that Cole’s, I mean Thomasito’s memory of her will fade. And that saddens me because she loved him like no other. Her last words out the door to me were “Quidame a mi nino.” Which means take care of my little boy. It broke my heart because I could see the desperation in her eyes, it was a mother’s desperation. It broke her heart to have to leave this child she had helped to raise. And the whole time, Thomasito doesn’t even have a clue that when he runs to Yaya’s door tomorrow morning to ask to “comer”, there won’t be an answer. Will and I are struggling with this very much.

I rememebr when Thomasito (which is Cole’s first name in Spanish and to which Yaya referred to him) was about 9 months old, he was sick with a fever and diarrhea and vomiting. When I finally took him to the pediatrician’s office Gloria went along to hear what the doctor would say and also to listen to his recommendations to get him better. She was explaining to Doctor Johnson that his poop really smelled. Doctor Johnson, who is awesome, was born or raised in Mexico, so they were able to communicate very well. When she told him his poop smelled, he smiled and looked at me and commented on how much she must love him, because if just now she is noticing that his poop smelled, she had the nose of a mother in love.

The house phone used to ring off the hook, it hasn’t rang since 2:45 this afternoon. Simply another reminder that she is not here. I look at the dogs and I want to cry or vomit because when I would forget to feed them or let them out, she would do it. She hated those dogs but she took care of them very well. I teased her once that for somebody who really hated them, she sure took care of them. She answered back that it was only because if she forgot to and they died, we’d think she did it on purpose. She’s one smart cookie.

Every single thing about this house reminds me of her, which reminds me that tomorrow is trash day and I’ll probably forget to take it out. If I forget, it will be too bad until next week, I won’t have Yaya watching my back. Excuse me, gotta take out the trash now!…

I’m back. It’s done. Gloria would be proud. I’m just so darn sad! Even walking out, feeling the breeze, made my heart skip a beat. I looked at the house from the street and where there once lived 4, it’s now only 3. We might have been at Wal Mart her and I right now. We liked to get away and go shopping late at night.

But to every dark cloud there is a silver lining: Will gets to walk around in his underwear. Lucky lucky me.

Gloria would always say to me when I would take her to run an errand of hers, “si no la molesto yo, pues quien?” Translated: If I don’t bother you, who will?

So to Glroia, ‘me encanta que me molestes! Tanto que te queremos y tanto que nos haces falta. Pero relaja, diviertate con tu hijo, yo te quidare a Thomasito. Espero que muy luego nos podemos reunir. Muchas muchas gracias y te deseo un buen viaje. Besitos y abrasos!’ -Thomasito, Vannessa, Willie, y Ma

Mr. Independent

I started attending MOPS groups here in the area and this was our first official meeting. By “our” I really mean mine and Cole’s. We missed the first one because I was sick with what seemed like the flu. I never went to the Dr because I was in too much pain to wait in the drs office.

I was so worried about leaving Cole in the nursery because he’s never been in that kind of environment. I have left him before, when I worked, but it was with Yaya, who he knew for always. So this was completely different.

We got there and he wanted some boiled egg that I had packed for him so I gave him that. Then he spotted the communal cheerios and as they prepared that for him, I stepped out into the meeting. After about 5 minutes I decided to go in and check on him. He was walking around, checking things out. No problems.

I went back into the meeting and after about 15 minutes I decided I best go back and check on Cole. Surely now he has noticed that Mommy is not in the room and that he is with complete strangers and I was positive he was having a meltdown.

I sneak into the nursery area and as I am approaching the door I see his little head bobbing up and down towards the door. I drop to the floor and hope and pray he didn’t see me. Well he didn’t see me but another mommy did and asked if Cole was mine, the “boy in yellow”. “Yes” I replied. A few moments later she said to me, “it’s safe now, you can peek.” So I did. He was just fine.

I went back into the room confident my baby boy was not so baby anymore. That’s not so reassuring….

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