October 2009 archive

Save a Horse…

Yesterday’s post was emotional, for me at least. I’m sorry. I’m doing better today in that I am just not so angry. But still a little emotional.

I decided to keep Cole home today because I need him close by, even if it’s just as a tiny little annoying reminder of how blessed I am and how thankful I should be. We’ll see how that goes as the day progresses….

But I’m fighting today. Fighting the tears and the pain, and the toddler who is crawling all over me as I type this post. But I’m just glad to be feeling his warmth, his joy.

I am also convinced that the peace I felt after being robbed has fled. And that’s why I am feeling so emotional. So vulnerable.

Maybe sex would make me feel better. Like spontaneous sex. Weird. What is that? Spur of the moment sex. I can hardly remember it. Maybe that’s what I’ll surprise Hubs with tonight. Wait, me thinking about it, is that like scheduling it? Or should we save our energy for a few days from now, when we’ll need it, because it’s on the schedule.

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Ah,… who cares! I’m gonna shave and put my spurs on tonight!!!!!

Today I’m Screwed

Usually, this time of the month harbors hope for me. A new cycle and a new opportunity. But I’m exhausted. Exhausted of praying and hoping and crying and thinking and believing this is the month. I am just sick and tired of it.

I’m just tapped out. I am mad. and resentful. and I am losing faith. Because I hurt so much over this. And it baffles me that I still feel so alone. I haven’t felt his presence in this. I know that I have wonderful friends on here that will talk me through this, once again. I hate it that they are burdened with this. I hate that this is all I think about. All I talk about. I hate being defined by this. But I do. and I am.

But tomorrow I’ll pep up. I’ll be better. Because I am fickle I guess. and I can’t stay mad, even though I want to because I hurt so much. But that too requires energy, and have I mentioned that I’m pretty tapped out?

Then, in a few days, we’ll force ourselves to have sex daily, or every other day at least. Because it must be done. Not because we love each other, which we do, but because it’s just that time of the month. You know, the optimum time. And that’s pressure, and pressure isn’t ever any fun. Oh no, that kind of sex is a luxury-reserved for those who can get pregnant easily or quickly, or those who use condoms. So there isn’t anymore of that spontaneity, that passion, because it’s on the schedule-Aunt Flo’s schedule-and there just isn’t anything sexy about her. And that makes me mad too. And sad. Because the days for sex have to be reserved, because, you see, I’m all tapped out, even for that.  

So the cycle begins again. The ups and downs and in betweens. But today, I feel lost. And angry. And ashamed. And afraid. And hopeless. And desperate. And I think I just might need a hug. But I like my space. So I guess I’m screwed. -No pun intended.

Just another Manic Monday

Seriously crazy manic day today. Not even being sarcastic. And still, in the midst of it all, I feel peace. Weird. Where do I begin.

Cole slept in until past 9. I was elated because I slept in too. Yay for me! I dropped him off at school and then hit Wal Mart to buy some goodies for Halloween treat bags for Cole’s school party Friday. Went home, returned some emails and worked on a project that was needing some major attention today. I got caught up and left about 7 minutes later than usual to pick Cole up. I was really pushing it to be on time. I NEVER pick Cole up late from school. NEVER. PERIOD. I would have made it on time except I didn;t account for an accident on the road and zero visibility due to rain. I was crying on the way to pick Cole up because all I could think of was Cole sitting there, in his classroom, all alone with his teachers, wondering where his mom was. I was horrified. Then I thought I was going to die because I couldn’t see oncoming cars and I couldn’t will myself to pull over. Sounds dramatic… I know. I am. And I’m not even kidding. I get super emotional when I think of Cole missing me. Then I tried calling the school and it was busy, busy, busy. So I thought the lights must have gone out and then I thought of Cole, all alone, missing me, with no electricity. So I almost start hyperventilating and I call Will, so he can calm me down,….in the rain on the street which I cannot see….

“Get off the phone and concentrate or pull over. They will understand. Be careful. Be safe.” He tells me.

So I take a deep breath. All of my friends who are not Valley-ites tease the Valley drivers that get all twisted in the rain. That’s me!!!!! Hi guys. But listen, in my defense, we don’t get much of it. And then, when you add some cool weather into it, I just run around in circles like a dog chasing it’s tail. I’m sure it’s rather hilarious for an observer but in my world, in my head, it is terrifying!

I get to school and park the tank. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that my sweet sweet Hubs and Father In Law have taken my car to get the oil changed, the lock fixed, and the wipers looked at. So I am driving Will’s truck. Yes, little ol’ me in the big ol’ truck. (I know you think you know where this is going-just wait…)

So, I park the truck. Then I back it up and go around the parking lot trying to get the best possible available spot that will get Cole and I the least drenched. I return to the original spot and park. Beautifully, might I add Honey. I glance around-….what to take down/ I grab Cole’s raincoat, take off my thongs (not those), grab the umbrella, and throw my raincoat over my head. I dash out of the truck and when I arrive to shelter, I turn around and lock the truck up. It is 1:36 p.m.

I walk out and I’m feeling real generous, real Super-Mom that I decide I’m wet enough to share the umbrella with the father of a classmate of Cole’s. Truth be told, I don’t think I could have carried Cole, my shoes, his lunchbox, and hold the raincoat over my head. No way I could have maneuvered an umbrella too! So I say goodbye to the dad and decide that Super Mom is going to battle the rain.

I walk out talking to another mom I know from my etiquette classes. She sees where I parked and offers to watch Cole so I can bring the truck closer into the rotunda and spare some wetness.It’s now 1:47 pm. I run to the truck and when I walk up to it I see that the window has been shattered. My purse is gone, my phone is gone, the rain is ouring into the truck, and my mind goes blank for a minute. It felt as if I had gone under water and then panicked. What the fuck just happened?????

I don’t even know what to do, where to begin. I run back to Cole and Lisa to regroup. I tell her what happened and then I dash off because I am freaking out that the rain is coming in the direction of the open window. Move the car. I don’t even give it a second thought. I run back to the truck and then I get there and I’m all like, “Fuck”, how do I move this fucker considering there is glass on my seat? No time to think. must act. quickly. rain coming in. I throw my raincoat over the glass, I jump in, and move the truck. Umm, I wear glasses….they were drenched. I can’t see with the fog, and the rain hitting my face, and arms, and legs, and tits….so I take them off. Oops, blind as a bat. I managed to move it closer and kinda behind a tree and it seems to subdue the rain some.

I get out and finally borrow a phone (Lisa was calling the police). Ironically from the dad that I lent the umbrella to. I called Will, no answer. It’s raining, it’s cold and Cole looks like he might cry any second now. Finally I get a hold of Will and an hour later, cold, wet, phone-less me is on my way to the bank to close out my account. By this time, I am in vehicle #3 for the day. My father in law’s big ol’ truck. I am shitting bricks on my way to the bank. Please keep us safe. Please keep us safe. Please keep us safe. Will takes his truck to get the window fixed, in his suit, in the rain, without a window, my sweet sweet Prince Charming.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have reinforcements who are all upset I didn’t call them. But you see, phones were hard to come by. Those that had phones were calling my hubby, letting me call the banks, calling the police, etc.

So, all in all, my purse with my phone, camera, passport, and checkbook were stolen. Thankfully, I had spent the cash I had that morning at Wal Mart. (You’re welcome Honey!). They took 4 debit cards and I got to 2 before they were able to but the other 2 they made a couple of charges at gas stations. Then I had one credit card that they also made purchases with at gas stations. But it is all protected and we are safe.

I am most saddened by the contents of the camera. I had offered to take pictures for a friend at her son’s birthdy party and I had not had time to download them. So B will have no picures of his 3rd birthday party.

Also, last Friday I had ran into the 2 most influential students of mine. I swear, the 2 students I think of all the time, I ran into on Friday, in a classroom, 6 years later! I took pictures of them and I and they are gone. I am so upset about that. So upset.

Pictures might be few and far between. We are down a camera. The one I carry in my purse:(

*Sigh*

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