November 2009 archive

PARENT – Job Description

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Source: one of those circulating forwarded emails.

There is free stuff to be had this holiday season.

It has been raining free stuff for a week or so now. A few weeks back we were elated to find, in the mail, a coupon for $10 off any $20 purchase at Office Max. I desperately needed a wireless mouse and keyboard. (Obviously not desperately enough because the coupon sat and when I decided to redeem it, it was 6:50 on a Saturday and the store closes at 7:00-so we missed the free money! Boo-Hoo and shame on us!)

Then, a day or so later, we received a coupon from Kohl’s and JC Penney. I never open them up because I just don’t usually think to go to these stores for our clothing needs. Target, Old Navy, Banana Republic, or Ann Taylor Loft will usually suffice. But Will opened them up. And they were both offering us a $10 coupon off anything in the store for $10 or more. Um,…yeah, I’ll stop in there. So we went to Kohl’s first, and we bought Cole a pair of jeans for $2.20! Then the cashier said we could keep the coupon. So we got our bag and bolted outta there before she changed her mind. How exciting! More free stuff!

Saturday evening we hit JC Penney to redeem that coupon. We walked out with a pair of Levis jeans for $4.46. But we were feeling all greedy and decided to head out to Kohl’s for the second round of free money. Will walked in and was able to use the coupon again! Another pair of jeans for $2.20!

We got home and we were reeling about how awesome coupons are when we opened our mailbox, guess what we saw?

A $10 coupon off of any $20 purchase at Office max AND a $5 coupon for BEALLS off of $5. Can you believe our luck? So make sure you open those coupons because there are some great finds right now. And I do desperately need that wireless mouse and keyboard so this time I am hitting Office Max early.

And in case you are thinking that they are sending coupons to get us to spend more, you are correct! But we didn’t. Because I had Hubby around, I was focused. We only walked out with what we needed.

1 2 3