August 2010 archive

No Pictures Please!!!!

Today was Cole’s first day back at school. I couldn’t sleep last night I was so giddy with excitement!

It’s not how it looks. Really. He was happy and very excited about his first day at school. The pictures are deceiving. I think he was just annoyed that I kept asking him to pose.

He was excited about that firetruck all weekend. It’s in the second picture but I only got a small part of it in there. He kept saying he was gonna grab that firetruck and play with it. I got there early so that he could get it and I could leave without him crying for me. You know, so that he would find solace in the toy. 

He was a little sad when I told him I had to leave. He kept whispering to me that he was “scared”. So his teacher, Miss Jeanie sat next to him and gave him the snuggles he needed to say goodbye to me. I left the classroom and stayed in the building for a while. He was completely fine. Then I got to talking to another mother and forgot to watch that he wasn’t watching me and he spotted me through his classroom window. He smiled BIG and yelled “Mommy! I love you!” And then he threw me kisses. Then I left for real. I think he stayed ok.

Now, I’m just sitting here at home,…nervous. Wondering if he is still in fact ok.

Finding Refuge

So I’m guessing it’s the hormones and the nausea that are kinda making me fell blue. Kinda agitated. Kinda restless. Kinda like maybe I want to go back to some kind of out of house work. Maybe all mothers feel this discord with where they are. This sense that maybe they are wasting their talents. If I was working I would think that I should be home. That my talent was loving and nurturing and rasing  my child.

I felt this when Cole turned 1 and I decided to go back to work. After working almost a year, I felt that maybe I should be home. So I quit to be home. Now I’m back to where I was a year and a half ago. And I guess I am just wondering if the old adage is true: that the grass is always greener on the other side. Is it? Is this all there is to life? Will I never be content with my place in life? The place I worked so hard to be? 

I think I’ve been sick inside these four walls for too long (8 weeks) because I almost want to find refuge in a 9-5. But then I can’t imagine not finding refuge in the arms of my child 24/7.

Which reminds me of the mini meltdown I kinda wanted to have in the Wal Mart parking lot this afternoon. I had just eaten lunch and hour or so earlier. I thought it would be safe for me, Cole, and my full tummy to venture into Wal Mart. I started to get really hungry there. As we were leaving Cole was tripping in front of the cart, hanging onto the cart, and wiping his hands across every aisle. I was growing more and more frustrated with each and every warning I was giving him. We walked outside into the sweltering South Texas heat and I imagined pushing a cart with a baby and trying to deal with Cole and I just wanted to cry out of hunger frustration. And for a moment I wondered if maybe I would appreciate moments like this if I was working. Would I cherish my time with him more?

I think it’s my hormones talking and right now they’re telling me I need to eat some nachos, which consequently are extremely hard to find at 11 at night. And I know this for a fact because I sent mom over to the nacho stand and Will over to the ballpark to get some and they were all closed for the night. Guess I’ll go find refuge in those sweet and sticky arms of my little man – but first I have to interrogate him and find out what the sticky stuff is 😉

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